If I were a carpenter.

If I were in a popular teenage movie, Mandy Moore would play my girlfriend.
If I were a tool, I'd be a socket wrench with an incomplete set of attachments.
If I wrote rock songs, they'd be about being drunk and lonely.
If I wrote pop songs, they'd be about having sex in the car.
If I were a tarot card, I'd be the Chariot.
If I were an office supply, I'd be a heavy duty stapler remover.
If I were a sandwich at a diner, I'd be a BLT; except.
If I were an item found on the table of a diner, I'd be the dish of half-and-half packets.
If I had a can of spray paint, I'd climb a water resevoir and write "Turk 182".
If I were a shirt, I'd be blue.
If I were a subway car, I'd be the fifth from the front which gets disconnected and sent to the trainyard during non-rush hours.
If I held a government office, I'd be a united states senator; except,
If I were a country, I'd be Russia.
If I were an epithet, I'd be "whitey".
If I were a term of endearment, I'd be "darling".
If I were a scientist, I'd be a paleontologist; except,
If I were a doctor, I'd be a pathologist.
If I were a geological specimen, I'd be obsidian.
If I were a crayon, I'd be yellow-orange.
If I were a day of the week I'd be Thursday, just shy of the full mainfestation of the week but the highest point of anticipation and possibility of a weekend.