Let not another search be made in vain.

My evening was supposed to be the show at Spin, then migrating to Berlin for drinks with a new friend and possibly play. But I just couldn't do it. This afternoon the thought of going out to a crowded club and trying to maintain my outer shell made me want to sob. I was overtired, overextended, and ungrounded. Not good things to feel before a social night. So I scrapped that plan. I called Educating Esme. "Come to my house and watch movies and wear pajamas and eat cookies and have a sleepover." She required a tiny bit of convincing, but not much. She also required sleeping in her own bed, which was fine, I promised to drive her home. We spent a long time at the video store and watched only one movie and ate chinese takeout and it was a perfect. She is becoming more important to me as an in-town support, as someone I have known for years, who knows several aspects of my life, who doesn't fully understand all of them but I have no qualms about saying anything and everything. Or nothing. And even though it is a bit silly and crass for her taste, she took one of my "no sex in the champagne room" t-shirts and understood why I made them.

This afternoon I napped and had two intense dreams, one involving DYA and I having a baby that we were giving to another mother who couldn't conceiver on her own. Another involving visiting New Orleans while Damon was in Europe so I couldn't see or call him...then I ran into my therapist....who spoke in French at first...and later was naked while being painted and she addressed transference issues running deeper than expected. Um, yeah. They were extremely detailed, vivid and exhausting dreams, laden with obvious symbolism, so much so that if I were revising that screenplay I would suggest to the author far more subtlety. The baby dream still haunts me. It was intense to hold my own child. I don't know if it's what it feels like in real life, but I know the feelings in my dream were like nothing I've had in real life.

Now it's 1 am and I'm in pjs and under covers and so happy to be closing my eyes and sleeping as long as I wish. Sophie is sticking close by for now, which I appreciate. Often she waits in the chair by the door when DYA is out of the house, but tonight she is needing me and I don't mind too much.