Saturday sun won't come and see me today.

I woke up early and was all ready to chug the quart of saline water to start my day (one of the suggestions of the cleanse) but I took one swig and convulsed a little. Um, no, won't be doing that. I made a cup of tea instead. Then I made my 'lunch' for the day, i.e. 32 oz of fresh sqeezed lemonade (and a dash of cayenne pepper), and then I made a glass for breakfast. I was a little scared to taste it, but it's good. I mean, it's fresh squeezed lemonade. With a tiny hint of spice. I'm sure I'll be sick of it by 11 am. But I'm going to the store to buy some protein powder to add to the concoction, which is suggested for hypoglycemics, so I'm feeling less afraid of that aspect.

I'm currently reading A Child Out of Alcatraz, partly because I know the author. Its great so far, which is a relief, because that would otherwise just be awkward. I have other books by people I know that I am waaay behind on reading, including by drood. Perhaps this will be the month of reading all of them in a row.

Today I will remember my umbrella.

It's these expressions I never give

There was a bit of a rough patch today, pretty much between 10 am and 2 pm. It seems to have levelled out a bit. During my walk I realized that every block in downtown Chicago has approximately 37 eating establishments. Potbelly's, McDonalds, Corner Bakery, La Cocina, Godiva, the English tobacco shop, they all beckoned me, but what nearly had me crack was Garrett's popcorn. I survived and made it back to the office and finished up my liquid, with some whey protein added to keep me from fainting. So far, so good. I just typed "food" instead of "good." Cancel page for Dr. Freud.

This morning some thought triggered me to go back and rfind a journal entry from 5 years ago which led to reading lots of other entires and one of them was me posting an intense e-mail from my father. There were also lots of private entries about things I was struggling with in relationships that I'd virtually forgotten about until now. The forgetting, it's a tricky thing, because in both cases, I am still learning, I am still struggling with the exact same issues. Five years later. I guess that's how it works though, right, the lessons only repeat themselves because we haven't learned them. Or maybe just those trial runs are necessary, are required as part of the learning.

I don't feel any fcking joy of living.

( Day One of the cleanse/fast takes an ugly turn )