always coming late if they come at all

[raybear]

So, I'm reading some random account of someone's life. And they describe the guy their dating, saying he's the best they've known and "treats [them] well and he doesn't yell or hit me."

The phrase just leaped out at me and couldn't even keep reading with any amount of concentration. I mean, I don't even think I could label someone not hitting me as "a good thing" -- it's more of a required thing, or a "not bad" thing. But I hope that the person I'm with has more good qualities beyond their ability to not engage in violent behavior.

Suppose I'm just having a moment of realization of how different people's lives and experiences and perspectives can be.

I'm lucky enough that I've never been in an intimate relationship with someone who hit me, yet at times I've been surrounded by people in my life who were or are in that situation. It's part of the reason I decided to go through the intense 50-hour state certification training to volunteer with domestic violence victims and survivors. After I completed the training I feel like it started happening even more often -- from close friends to acquaintances would reveal situations where they're partner was violent and/or abusive.

I don't even know if I'm a good person to talk to about the subject, because I fear I react to vehemently, which gets read as quick judgment. In reality it's more about fear that it will escalate to a much riskier situation even while I'm standing there talking to the person confessing their situation to me. As if the threat is occuring right at that moment if I don't start listing every possible option as well as every possible reason to get out and throw in a dash of support and empathy, then the person will magically be hospitalized as soon as they turn their back to me.

Or maybe it's because she got shot in the face by her stepdad while trying to defend her little brother.

I don't really have a savior complex in this area. But I do have a story that I tell, and I guess I realize that's all I can really do anyway -- share the few pieces of information I have because I didn't have them before to give. So now I probably tend to just vomit out this huge catalog of knowledge with the hopes that something I spit out will fit the situation and possibly prove helpful.

Reading that piece though makes me realize I'm out of the habit. After finally convincing an old friend of mine to leave her abusive girlfriend even if it meant mobing back in with her parents, I haven't encountered as many people in my life who share the issue with me. Maybe I've paid off some perceived karmic debt, so I no longer attract the situation. But I suppose I'm still prepared.

Comments

[angeltrouble.livejournal.com]

i once had a partner who liked nothing better but to get high on coke and bash my skull in. i dated him for over seven months [while i was taking a break from jay] and after dating him, my perceptions were so skewded that i really did believe not hitting was the chief good quality and it took me a long time to realize not hitting should be a given.

the abuse i suffered made me fearful, hyper alert, always thinking someone could get violent at any moment. it's a hard mindset to correct, when you've spent 24 hours a day worried that you might not make it to the next. all the while the person is telling you how much they love y

[raybear.livejournal.com]

yeah. and it's an experience that can never be fully articulated to someone who hasn't experienced it. like one can't fully explain to a sober person what the feelings of addiction are.