raybear | qualifying seems to be the action of the day -- justaboi

I started this yesterday and finished it today. Longest LJ entry ever. Here's the breakdown, including numbers for those who haven't checked the stats on my recent poll.

First question: How many friends/close acquaintances in your life are people of color?
Almost half of folks answered "3-5". One-fifth of people said "0-2" -- I intentionally put people who knew no people of color with people who had one or two friends, because I don't think having a token is much different than having none -- either way it's pretty limited daily exposure to relationships with non-white people.
More than a quarter answered "too many to count", but almost half of those people are people of color.

Second question: How many black people have been in your house?
This question was inspired by a joke in "Kings of Comedy": If you can't count the number of black people who've been in your house, than you're racist.
(Of course, that's sort of a trick statement, since most everyone is racist.) But the point of the question is to make people pay attention -- I know some people will say "I don't see color and I don't pay attention to people's race" but those are usually the folks who's only black visitor was the cable guy.
Interestingly enough, the vote was split very differently from the first question: about a third said "0-2" and a third said "too many to count". The other third was split pretty evenly between "3-5" and "6-10". For people who qualified their answer by saying they've had few people over period, let me ask the follow up question -- what's the percentage of non-white people who've been in your house?

Third and fourth question: Use of lingo and number of hip-hop albums.
About a third of people straight up said "no" they don't use such slang (which is an unintentional lie in some case, because I've SEEN the words in your livejournal!), but 2/3 of of y'all own less than 10 albums. And skipping ahead a question, some of the same people say they use the n-word with the "a" ending. I'm NOT saying that if you own every 2pac and Biggie bootleg you're 'qualified' to talk the talk -- I just think there are some interesting correlations.

Fifth Question: Sitting next to the black guy on the bus.
Almost half admitted to choosing the seat next to the teenager to prove a point. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, even if I'm slightly ashamed. But this poll isn't about shaming anyone -- I just wanted honesty. Almost a one-fifth said they would sit next to the white woman -- again, I appreciate folks answering honestly and I'm glad that people are aware of their actions. Over one-third of the pollers claimed to have no idea what I was talking about. Somehow I find this hard to believe. My purpose for this question was not to see if people would choose "white or black" -- that's pretty much already been studied and the results show that EVERYONE unconsciously picks white people as the standard for normal, average, and beautiful, due to the mass cultural conditioning through the media, history books, etc. etc. This question was more about people realizing that they have this instinct, and whether they intentionally act against it. Now, the whole motivation of "proving a point" is sort of the question of white liberal guilt thrown in for good measure. But I don't necessarily think it's a horribly evil thing to do -- go against the deeply buried instincts. Many folks claim their motivation is to avoid teenagers, and I don't doubt that's a factor, but I think it's a conscious factor -- we weren't taught to hate/fear/loathe teenagers from a young age. With the question, I wanted to know if people ever confront the unconscious fears on a daily or weekly basis. I mean, even if you would always sit next to the white woman, at least be aware that you're always sitting next to the white woman and don't pretend it's a happy accident or coincidence.

Sixth question: A white person is claiming to not own any opinions on race because they're from a town/area with virtually no non-white people. How would you place them as a white person?

Okay, I know I said there are no "right answers", but I think I lied. I think the last answer is the most accurate in general. All white people are racist. (Some say all people are racist, but I'm not qualified to make that statement at this time, so I won't.) I don't think being from an all-white area necessarily makes you more or less so - that can only be determined on a case by case basis. But 70% of people agreed with me and chose the same answer.

Seventh question: The N-word.

Answers were pretty spread out across the board, with more people leaning towards the "rap lyrics" quoting. I must say, I'm quite surprised that people actually chose the answer "no, never ever ever ever ever". I'm sure intentions were good, but I can't help but wonder if there's perhaps a strong element of denial.

Thanks for everyone who answered. I will conclude my unofficial analysis with a story of my own personal relationship with "the n-word".

For those who don't know, I'm from the South. My parents are from a smallish town in southern Mississippi and I've never heard them say the word ever. But other people in my family have, I'm sure. I can barely remember instances from early childhood, but no specific.

I honestly have no idea when/where I first learned it's meaning, but I always knew it was wrong to say. When I got to middle school, I first started to get slightly de-sensitized because peers would say it all the time to other black students. I'm sure there might have been incidents of white students being down and using it, but I can't remember any ramificiations. I do remember the birth of the term "whigga", which were white students who hung out mostly with black students and "dressed like a black person". I never liked that word because I didn't like the original word -- by the time I was 13 it was already ingrained in me that it was okay for black people to use it but never never never for white people.

I have no memory of saying it as a child, but I'm sure it happened at least once. Every kid says it once. Every kid says every new word once.

In college I took classes on reclamation of language, specifically how it relates to fag and dyke. I learn about the power of the n-word and read about why people use it and why people still loathe and push for abolishing it's use in all forms. I can understand and relate to both sides, but I learn to have no opinion -- it's not my fight and I have no right to say how non-white people should use it. But I believe that no white person should say it. Ever. I mean, if it's in the context of a personal conversation and there's an understood agreement between the white and black person, whatever, that's fine (though I can't help but think there are still power dynamics not being adressed). In reality, I would say it might be more okay to say it with the "er" ending in the context of an academic setting or discussion of the word itself, but even if you're reading a letter to the editor to The Source aloud to your buddies, don't say it. It's not meant for you. Can you maybe handle this? That there's something off-limits to a white person?

But that doesn't mean I'm not human.

I've said the word somewhat recently. When I wasn't alone. In fact, Damon was in the room. I quoted a rap lyric while trashtalking during a video game, and in the heat of the moment, didn't edit it but quoted exactly like the song. I felt pretty embarassed and upset with myself. Obviously. I apologized profusely to Damon, and he was like "hey, as long as you realized that you said it.....and don't do it again". I tried not to overdo it with my apologies, for fear of making him the recipient of all my white confessions, as some way of absolving myself. I made a joke about needing to put in some wholesome music and that I've been listening to too much 'hardcore' stuff. This happened about 2 1/2 years ago.

For a week the word floated in my head. I rolled it around in my mouth, felt it on my teeth and tongue. I sometimes whispered it privately, trying to figure out why it had actually slipped out of the locked cage in my mind. I thought about how I hear the word hundreds of times on a given day if I'm listening to lots of hip hop . I started to fear that the music had influenced me, had corrupted me, that Tipper was right.

But it was a human reaction. Anything that's been repressed for so long is bound to spring out eventually. My girlfriend at the time made me angry, because she seemed to shocked and appalled by my actions, claiming that she works everyday at firing people for using such language. I was put off by her lack of self-analysis, here inability to see her own potential to do what I did. I'm certainly not proud or glad that I used it as an epithet, even if it was towards an alien of indeterminent race on a video game, but the learning experience has been invaluable. It knocked me off my pedestal, shaking me into realizing that I'm no different and I can't escape this culture and the best I can do is learn how to navigate in a positive, thoughtful, conscious manner. I'm not afraid to own my behavior, because we're all capable of the exact same potential. I'm just afraid I'll stop paying attention, which is what I'm always fighting for -- keeping my eyes and mind open to what's really going on and what the real motivations are.