Once More with Feeling
Oct. 14th, 2002 02:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearI'll try again. I'm reluctant to write about anything "real" because it will seem overblown. I guess I could write some more pop culture goodness but I feel I've overdone that lately in my inability to write about anything "real" (see above).
What exactly consitutes a drinking problem? Is it only excess, or is it also misuse? I certainly don't fall into the category of excess, but I might be dabbling in the latter. I haven't quite definite misuse yet -- who knows. Maybe I'm just finally using drunkeness like every other red-blooded American -- temporary coping strategy and avoidance! I'm drunk right now! Wait, no I'm not.
I've had a rather low libido lately. Though occasionally I've been fixated more on men. For some reason this scares me. Well, not some reason -- maybe just not obvious reasons. It's not so much I'm scared of the act itself (unless by scared I mean turned on, which I don't. Even though that's true too). It's more that I'm inordinately scared that for some reason I'm "really gay" and by acknowledging more and more my attraction to guys I'm somehow thereby losing attraction to women. I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman. But there I go getting way ahead of myself again -- how many successful dating and/or sexual relationships have I had with guys? Zero. Maybe I should test drive the vehicle a lot more before even worrying about the pressure to buy.
Now, onto some randomness from the weekend.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakysparks met Hot New Attorney. I'm so happy Sparky can back up my LJ droolings with her expert opinion.
The movie Belly doesn't hold up as well under a second viewing, but still has some great scenes and moments. Much like the movie The Cell, it's visual crack -- a big intense high that doesn't last long. But we couldn't make it past the first 5 minutes of the director's commentary. Hype may have a way with images, but NOT with words. Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.
MelRo is currently in San Fran, staying at the glorious Omni Hotel, where Oprah's guests stay. Except not the one in Chicago. I wish I had planned ahead and joined her on the trip -- I could be lounging in a terrycloth robe right now. But alas, I'm stuck at my desk as work and wearing a wool baseball sweater because it's winter here in Chicago.
Last night at Reckless Records I found the tape of Lil Kim's "Not Tonight" remix single, which also features the remix of Drugs and Crush on You. It was two bucks. That seriously made my whole weekend.
Happy 'Fuck Columbus' Day.
What exactly consitutes a drinking problem? Is it only excess, or is it also misuse? I certainly don't fall into the category of excess, but I might be dabbling in the latter. I haven't quite definite misuse yet -- who knows. Maybe I'm just finally using drunkeness like every other red-blooded American -- temporary coping strategy and avoidance! I'm drunk right now! Wait, no I'm not.
I've had a rather low libido lately. Though occasionally I've been fixated more on men. For some reason this scares me. Well, not some reason -- maybe just not obvious reasons. It's not so much I'm scared of the act itself (unless by scared I mean turned on, which I don't. Even though that's true too). It's more that I'm inordinately scared that for some reason I'm "really gay" and by acknowledging more and more my attraction to guys I'm somehow thereby losing attraction to women. I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman. But there I go getting way ahead of myself again -- how many successful dating and/or sexual relationships have I had with guys? Zero. Maybe I should test drive the vehicle a lot more before even worrying about the pressure to buy.
Now, onto some randomness from the weekend.
freakysparks met Hot New Attorney. I'm so happy Sparky can back up my LJ droolings with her expert opinion.The movie Belly doesn't hold up as well under a second viewing, but still has some great scenes and moments. Much like the movie The Cell, it's visual crack -- a big intense high that doesn't last long. But we couldn't make it past the first 5 minutes of the director's commentary. Hype may have a way with images, but NOT with words. Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.
MelRo is currently in San Fran, staying at the glorious Omni Hotel, where Oprah's guests stay. Except not the one in Chicago. I wish I had planned ahead and joined her on the trip -- I could be lounging in a terrycloth robe right now. But alas, I'm stuck at my desk as work and wearing a wool baseball sweater because it's winter here in Chicago.
Last night at Reckless Records I found the tape of Lil Kim's "Not Tonight" remix single, which also features the remix of Drugs and Crush on You. It was two bucks. That seriously made my whole weekend.
Happy 'Fuck Columbus' Day.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-10-14 05:13 pm (UTC)I just wanted to second what many have said. I don't think it's particularly something to worry about. Lately, I've been more into guys too..particularly the beefy bearish variety. I've been kind of allowing myself to feel stuff and not trying to analyse the fck out of everything. I've realized that part of my identity is queer with the little slide rule of attraction sliding gently back and forth from guys to grrrls. I used to freak the heck out about my penchant for attraction shapeshifting, but then I realized that I'm quite the queerish rogue.
Every once in a while I try to quantify my attraction and specify where and who I am at a given point. As you know, I used to be straight femalish then lesbian then straight malish again and then queer malish. It's pretty neat to see where I've grown..and the more I try and understand it, the more I realise I like people and my identity is just kind of separate from that. If anything, I identify more so as leather and bear identified than straight or gay. If I had to quantify it at this point though, I'd use queer because I'm not really straight or gay when it comes down to it.
I feel like I'm making no sense. whatever.. you're used to it ;)
Love you regardless buddy..
Riley