Once More with Feeling

[raybear]

I'll try again. I'm reluctant to write about anything "real" because it will seem overblown. I guess I could write some more pop culture goodness but I feel I've overdone that lately in my inability to write about anything "real" (see above).

What exactly consitutes a drinking problem? Is it only excess, or is it also misuse? I certainly don't fall into the category of excess, but I might be dabbling in the latter. I haven't quite definite misuse yet -- who knows. Maybe I'm just finally using drunkeness like every other red-blooded American -- temporary coping strategy and avoidance! I'm drunk right now! Wait, no I'm not.

I've had a rather low libido lately. Though occasionally I've been fixated more on men. For some reason this scares me. Well, not some reason -- maybe just not obvious reasons. It's not so much I'm scared of the act itself (unless by scared I mean turned on, which I don't. Even though that's true too). It's more that I'm inordinately scared that for some reason I'm "really gay" and by acknowledging more and more my attraction to guys I'm somehow thereby losing attraction to women. I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman. But there I go getting way ahead of myself again -- how many successful dating and/or sexual relationships have I had with guys? Zero. Maybe I should test drive the vehicle a lot more before even worrying about the pressure to buy.



Now, onto some randomness from the weekend.

freakysparks met Hot New Attorney. I'm so happy Sparky can back up my LJ droolings with her expert opinion.

The movie Belly doesn't hold up as well under a second viewing, but still has some great scenes and moments. Much like the movie The Cell, it's visual crack -- a big intense high that doesn't last long. But we couldn't make it past the first 5 minutes of the director's commentary. Hype may have a way with images, but NOT with words. Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.

MelRo is currently in San Fran, staying at the glorious Omni Hotel, where Oprah's guests stay. Except not the one in Chicago. I wish I had planned ahead and joined her on the trip -- I could be lounging in a terrycloth robe right now. But alas, I'm stuck at my desk as work and wearing a wool baseball sweater because it's winter here in Chicago.

Last night at Reckless Records I found the tape of Lil Kim's "Not Tonight" remix single, which also features the remix of Drugs and Crush on You. It was two bucks. That seriously made my whole weekend.

Happy 'Fuck Columbus' Day.

Comments

[freakysparks.livejournal.com]

Is she ever droolworthy!

Look for a guest appearance in my livejournal soon...especially if she happens to drop by one of our lunch dates.

as a committed all-gender lover

[brothernumber3.livejournal.com]

i have this thing where i go through phases of attraction. usually a period of 2-4 months of being especially attracted to one section of people (masculine and/or boys or feminine and/or girls) of course the overlap is usually what really gets me, but that's another story.

i've realized that i just have to go with what i'm feeling at the time. i had a period where i was id'ing very strongly as a fag, but was in relationships/or dating only girls for most of that time. that was fine too, though confusing because i hadn't really thought through why i was so invested in presenting as a fag.

right now i'm in a masculine/boy-loving period, but it doesn't stop me from discussing my past relationships with women. the attraction for women/feminine-types isn't any less, it's just less in the forefront of my mind at the moment.

i think what i'm trying to say is, if you're identity shifts, good for you. (do i sound cheesy yet?) that happens to people and relationships all the time. your attractions and your relationship don't have to be mutually exclusive just because it's hard to wrap your head around it right now.

Re: as a committed all-gender lover

[raybear.livejournal.com]

no, no, you don't sound cheesy at all. i guess i just needed reassurance, even if it was something i already knew. you know? i mean, i LIKE having dozens of types and flavors of desire, but the bigger the shift, the more unsettling I can feel. particularly when it comes from moving "away" from women, who have pretty much been in the forefront for 5 years. and by away, i mean your definition where it doesn't really disappear, it's just re-focused.

it doesn't help that i'm often surrounded by stories of transfags who go from being into femmes as primary partners to being boy-focused/anti-femme. i'm such a hypochodriac i suppose that my fear of 'catching' other people's psychology is causing problems.

and sometimes it plays out in smaller ways that do effect my primary relationship -- like right now during my low libido stage. but i think i just need to chill and realize things will probably change in a week, in a month, and i'll be no worse for the wear.

or maybe i just need to find a boy to lay.

hee hee

[brothernumber3.livejournal.com]

i'm sure we can find you one

hee hee

[brothernumber3.livejournal.com]

i'm sure we can find you one ;)

from your story from an entry not so long ago i take it you're not too much of the go-after-them type. is that true?

maybe you just need to put yourself in more fag-oriented spaces so some hot boy can pick you up.

Re: hee hee

[raybear.livejournal.com]

i'm sort of funny -- i am definitely a pursuer type, but only if i get strong indications that my pursuings are welcome. basically, i tend to click well with big bottoms who want me after them. but i also wouldn't turn down someone pursuing me either!

i definitely need to put myself out there more and hang out with more queer boys.

[limenal.livejournal.com]

Do I count as someone without fixed attractions? Sigh, I will weigh in anyway, from my vantage point in the Omni Hotel's "Business Center."

I think that worrying about the consequences of new attractions is putting the cart before the horse. Or something. All I mean is, everything that's going on is going on in your head right now, and it might be good to, as you say, find a boy to lay before you let yourself worry about what the consequences of whatever reaction you have to that will be.

Also, like Wyatt, I go through phases, as I'm sure you know. I think it's natural, and the result is that unless your partner has an identity that shifts with your attractions, you're going to be out of sync sometimes. It's ok.

I wish you were here lounging in a terrycloth robe too. They gave me ginseng lotion! They gave me a paper this morning! They gave me six fucking towels! It's not as much fun without you.

[nineinchlovely.livejournal.com]

I have but one thing to say to you Melanie..: Plunder!

Steal the towels for La Casa Del Raybear y MelRrrro.
Not to mention those fuzzy robes. They'll come in handy for your life as a backstage rockstar.


I miss you. Come back... but only if you bring the Ginseng lotion.. muaha.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Cowboy hat!!!!!!


xoxoxoxo.

[cuedus.livejournal.com]

Ok Ray.

I identify as gay, but my behavior is bisexual. The reason why my identity isn't bisexual is because, well, sex is easy. I can't have _relationships_ with both, but I can have sex with both.

And... I have preferences.

I prefer boys (notice: not men) because they are a delicious blend of masculine and feminine (like me, but I have a gender fluidity they don't have). But when I get crushes on girls... *grins* it actually makes me feel all shy and stuff -- especially if her feminine energy is stronger than mine (which is what usually attracts me anyway... I mean that good, strong, solid femininity -- utterly female, utterly fierce).

Let's add an FTM to my list. His name is Alex and I want to fuck him -- I do. I've even talked to Rye about it who's response was to curiously fuck the hell outta me (oddly I think it turns him on when my eye starts wandering... probably bad bad bad, but one day, he will be able to say exactly what his kink is... if I don't figure it out first). But I like Alex because... I dunno... because he's trying to conform to what's "supposed" to be masculine... and if he calls me "man" one more time, I might withdraw my interest (nothing's more uglier than to be called "man" when the word, in reference to yourself, makes your very skin cringe!), but... since I was in a sarong the other day... he wanted to see my money-maker. I showed him. And then gave him a sweet kiss. Upon which it started to... awaken... I had to leave. He wouldn't have known what to do because I... I dunno. I would want to experience his whole gender (he had top surgery a couple of months ago), but I dunno if he would be down with that... but then I am going off of stereotypes.

Listen, Ray, in all honesty, it means nothing. You are attracted to what and who you are attracted to and it doesn't mean you are... being unfaithful to the other gender. Sometimes, I feel strongly toppish or bottomish... my fem energy can get so strong as to seem masculine.... my masculine energy sometimes takes control leaving me in a puddle of weakness... it's all fluid and it's all... well... natural. Personally, what I find most attractive about _any_ person is how they blend gender within themselves (in other words, besides mere sex, I am interested in other transgendered people whether they realize or identify as trans at all...I am as turned on by a feminized body with a big dick as a masculized body with a big clit. It's ON for me!)

I hope this helps... I am in a rambly mood today...

*smooch*

Q

[nineinchlovely.livejournal.com]

hey there Raymond..

I just wanted to second what many have said. I don't think it's particularly something to worry about. Lately, I've been more into guys too..particularly the beefy bearish variety. I've been kind of allowing myself to feel stuff and not trying to analyse the fck out of everything. I've realized that part of my identity is queer with the little slide rule of attraction sliding gently back and forth from guys to grrrls. I used to freak the heck out about my penchant for attraction shapeshifting, but then I realized that I'm quite the queerish rogue.

Every once in a while I try to quantify my attraction and specify where and who I am at a given point. As you know, I used to be straight femalish then lesbian then straight malish again and then queer malish. It's pretty neat to see where I've grown..and the more I try and understand it, the more I realise I like people and my identity is just kind of separate from that. If anything, I identify more so as leather and bear identified than straight or gay. If I had to quantify it at this point though, I'd use queer because I'm not really straight or gay when it comes down to it.

I feel like I'm making no sense. whatever.. you're used to it ;)
Love you regardless buddy..
Riley

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman.

hmmm i'm not bi, but i do not have a "fixed" attraction, because well i'm sort of not really fixed about my gender [but that's a whole other drag filled issue] anyway, i find myself attracted to "energy" but not in a cheesy shirley mcclaine kind of way. i could love anyone, provided A) i'm attracted. B) it feels okay. those are pretty much the only tenents. it was hard for me to come to the realization that i wasn't primary "gay". i mean i was fairly convinced that i was a true blue dyke. even though i had a primary partner who was male. i don't know what to tell you. i don't really label myself anything, because i don't feel as though any one label [oh here we go!] could possibly encompass all that i am.

but since we live on planet earth and not planet good intentions, i guess it's just one of those things you have to give up your attachment to. i gave up on my sexual identity. seriously. i was so attached to the label. because i felt as though it was all i had. but giving it up, giving up the fear that people would never see me as "queer" but as a straight women or maybe a fag hag was really upsetting to me has really "freed" me. i don't know. i feel a lot better. or maybe i don't, and i haven't figured it out yet.

nobody believes i'm bisexual

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.

jesus, are you trying to kill me?

that just being exhibit number one. there's what's between your ears, baby, what's between your legs, and then all the rest of it. it's the rest of it that makes it all worth it, right?