Once More with Feeling
Oct. 14th, 2002 02:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearI'll try again. I'm reluctant to write about anything "real" because it will seem overblown. I guess I could write some more pop culture goodness but I feel I've overdone that lately in my inability to write about anything "real" (see above).
What exactly consitutes a drinking problem? Is it only excess, or is it also misuse? I certainly don't fall into the category of excess, but I might be dabbling in the latter. I haven't quite definite misuse yet -- who knows. Maybe I'm just finally using drunkeness like every other red-blooded American -- temporary coping strategy and avoidance! I'm drunk right now! Wait, no I'm not.
I've had a rather low libido lately. Though occasionally I've been fixated more on men. For some reason this scares me. Well, not some reason -- maybe just not obvious reasons. It's not so much I'm scared of the act itself (unless by scared I mean turned on, which I don't. Even though that's true too). It's more that I'm inordinately scared that for some reason I'm "really gay" and by acknowledging more and more my attraction to guys I'm somehow thereby losing attraction to women. I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman. But there I go getting way ahead of myself again -- how many successful dating and/or sexual relationships have I had with guys? Zero. Maybe I should test drive the vehicle a lot more before even worrying about the pressure to buy.
Now, onto some randomness from the weekend.
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freakysparks met Hot New Attorney. I'm so happy Sparky can back up my LJ droolings with her expert opinion.
The movie Belly doesn't hold up as well under a second viewing, but still has some great scenes and moments. Much like the movie The Cell, it's visual crack -- a big intense high that doesn't last long. But we couldn't make it past the first 5 minutes of the director's commentary. Hype may have a way with images, but NOT with words. Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.
MelRo is currently in San Fran, staying at the glorious Omni Hotel, where Oprah's guests stay. Except not the one in Chicago. I wish I had planned ahead and joined her on the trip -- I could be lounging in a terrycloth robe right now. But alas, I'm stuck at my desk as work and wearing a wool baseball sweater because it's winter here in Chicago.
Last night at Reckless Records I found the tape of Lil Kim's "Not Tonight" remix single, which also features the remix of Drugs and Crush on You. It was two bucks. That seriously made my whole weekend.
Happy 'Fuck Columbus' Day.
What exactly consitutes a drinking problem? Is it only excess, or is it also misuse? I certainly don't fall into the category of excess, but I might be dabbling in the latter. I haven't quite definite misuse yet -- who knows. Maybe I'm just finally using drunkeness like every other red-blooded American -- temporary coping strategy and avoidance! I'm drunk right now! Wait, no I'm not.
I've had a rather low libido lately. Though occasionally I've been fixated more on men. For some reason this scares me. Well, not some reason -- maybe just not obvious reasons. It's not so much I'm scared of the act itself (unless by scared I mean turned on, which I don't. Even though that's true too). It's more that I'm inordinately scared that for some reason I'm "really gay" and by acknowledging more and more my attraction to guys I'm somehow thereby losing attraction to women. I need some help from some bisexual people in the house. Gold star queers and straights are of no help to me now. Neither are people with fixed attractions. Now, don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't see anything inherently wrong with discovering that I'm primarily attracted to men and changing my identity to gay. Though this would throw a wrench in a lot of my personal experience and identity, as well as, oh I don't know, my current relationship with a woman. But there I go getting way ahead of myself again -- how many successful dating and/or sexual relationships have I had with guys? Zero. Maybe I should test drive the vehicle a lot more before even worrying about the pressure to buy.
Now, onto some randomness from the weekend.
freakysparks met Hot New Attorney. I'm so happy Sparky can back up my LJ droolings with her expert opinion.The movie Belly doesn't hold up as well under a second viewing, but still has some great scenes and moments. Much like the movie The Cell, it's visual crack -- a big intense high that doesn't last long. But we couldn't make it past the first 5 minutes of the director's commentary. Hype may have a way with images, but NOT with words. Oh, and DMX does look hot. If, you know, you like DMX in that way. He's such the guy who walks around believing he's not gay if he's doing the fucking and the other guy doesn the sucking. He's no fag, but damnit if he doesn't talk about sex acts with other guys ALL the time.
MelRo is currently in San Fran, staying at the glorious Omni Hotel, where Oprah's guests stay. Except not the one in Chicago. I wish I had planned ahead and joined her on the trip -- I could be lounging in a terrycloth robe right now. But alas, I'm stuck at my desk as work and wearing a wool baseball sweater because it's winter here in Chicago.
Last night at Reckless Records I found the tape of Lil Kim's "Not Tonight" remix single, which also features the remix of Drugs and Crush on You. It was two bucks. That seriously made my whole weekend.
Happy 'Fuck Columbus' Day.
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-14 06:29 pm (UTC)hmmm i'm not bi, but i do not have a "fixed" attraction, because well i'm sort of not really fixed about my gender [but that's a whole other drag filled issue] anyway, i find myself attracted to "energy" but not in a cheesy shirley mcclaine kind of way. i could love anyone, provided A) i'm attracted. B) it feels okay. those are pretty much the only tenents. it was hard for me to come to the realization that i wasn't primary "gay". i mean i was fairly convinced that i was a true blue dyke. even though i had a primary partner who was male. i don't know what to tell you. i don't really label myself anything, because i don't feel as though any one label [oh here we go!] could possibly encompass all that i am.
but since we live on planet earth and not planet good intentions, i guess it's just one of those things you have to give up your attachment to. i gave up on my sexual identity. seriously. i was so attached to the label. because i felt as though it was all i had. but giving it up, giving up the fear that people would never see me as "queer" but as a straight women or maybe a fag hag was really upsetting to me has really "freed" me. i don't know. i feel a lot better. or maybe i don't, and i haven't figured it out yet.