I'm an agnostic. An agnostic buddhist with occult tendencies who dabbles in Christian mysticism.

[raybear]

So, I went out on a limb and asked my old friend about her current spiritual identity and belief system. I got a somewhat adequate answer, though I am interested in how she arrived to her current place. But then she said this:

"You didn't mention where you are in the whole scheme of things...Ball's back in your court."

This is problematic for me, for several reasons. The obvious being that I don't really have a shtick. I'm currently a dabbler, when it comes to organized religion. Hell, I'm even a dabbler when it comes to spiritual concepts and theism. The only thing I know for sure (right now) is that I'm agnostic, which basically means not only do I now know about God/the big how and why, but I believe it's impossible for any person to ever fully know. Some people say they're agnostic atheist, which basically means they don't know and they live their life as if there is no God. I think I might be an agnostic buddhist, which basically means I don't know but choose to structure my life and beliefs based on the moral code of buddhism. Of course, I'm so new to the study, I don't really feel accurate or confident in proclaiming an identity with buddhism.

And where does astrology and tarot fit into this picture? Those activities aren't very spiritual for me -- they're way more psychological and arhcetypal and more about human relations and perception and superconscious. I'm still a firm believer in the superconscious, something I read about when I was 12.

I guess in some ways I'm a humanist, because I give people a lot more credit regarding taking matters into their own hands, as well as controlling the various state of the world. I give people a lot of responsibility and power, not willing to push it off onto a deity by saying things like "we're made that way" or "it's God's will" or "God works in mysterious ways".

So yeah, I don't have a clear concise answer for her. Which leads me to my second problem -- how honest should I be? My experience has been it's not good to tell strong-minded Christians you're a dabbler. Even if they don't immediately proselytize to you on the spot, there's a way where the demeanor changes, and the attitude becomes "well, you better hurry and settle down and find Jesus before the hellfire comes." I don't need such condescension.

For a brief moment I thought about saying I'm a Quaker. Which would pretty much be a lie, since I like many things about Quakers and know a lot about the theology and practice, but I've never actually been to a Friends meeting. But MelRo's sort of a Quaker, right? Can one marry into Quakerism? Does Illinois have common law marriages? If the latter two questions are affirmative, I'm in!

Maybe I'll just be vague and say I'm currently reading and studying different theologies and not go into too much. Maybe I'll just talk more about my past Christian experience. I don't know why I'm so freaked out and feeling no confidence in myself. I hate being this apologetic.

Comments

[drood.livejournal.com]

Being confused about spirtual issues, it seems to me, can be a lot more honest than some of the really strong believers who refuse to confront the contradictions inherent in their own belief systems.

I don't think you can marry into Quakerism, though. They have to bite you on the neck and suck blood, like vampires. It's true!

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Quit putting ideas into limenal's head.

I hate how questioning and confusion is equated with doubt and evil. It's virtually impossible to have an sort of real discussion, because I'm always seen as being in cahoots with satan for my views, and trying to bring them down with me for sharing my views with them. What's that Freudian term for self-fulfilling logic? That faux scientific way of reassuring oneself? My brain is mushy. Maybe from all the sin I've been consuming.

[limenal.livejournal.com]

Between this and all the Buffy episodes we've been viewing lately, I'd advise you to watch your neck.