raybear | But if I had been a man in reality, than you'd still be here with me.

The morning commute on an extra crowded train goes much faster when listening to Shannon's Let the Music Play (off my class "So Good So Right" mixtape), imagining slowdancing with Melissa Manchester while occasionally interspersing fantasies of hot wax play. These weren't really related, it's more that my brain just kept flipping back between wholesome and dirty, depending on the station and the temporary mood. I'm on a fire/temperature kick, which I didn't fully realize until I accidentally singed off a nice patch of arm hair last night while "playing around" during a movie. I need to come up with a verb that describes kink masturbation -- sometimes I just do random pain play things that aren't related to actually jacking off, but it's not exactly a full scale solo scene or anything. Maybe I'll call it kinking off^TM.

The movie was Brown Sugar which didn't get finished because of phone conversations with Madness Librarian and Denver Boy. I don't know if I've previously nicknamed my friend Denver Boy, but he's one of my oldest and dearest friends from college, and we had lots and lots of catching up to do, which we did for over an hour. We also recommitted to taking a vacation together to Vancouver, possibly a long weekend in the fall. I honestly can't remember exactly why we chose Vancouver, though I suspect it might have to do with the food and the Canadian exchange rate.

During my lunch hour today I'm going to Walgreens to buy the patch. It's time to admit that smoking is affecting my mood, or more accurately, my attempts to reduce smoking are not aiding my depressive states. Today I woke up feeling rather hopeless about my life and my day, but after two sticks on the way into work, I'm feeling more reasonable. I don't like this. I want to be able to engage my own feelings in a genuine fashion without the aid of chemicals. This is partly why I rarely drink.

Though strangely enough, I'm not ready to give up smoking completely. I want to just get the lowest dose patch and maybe take a sabbatical from it. This may not be feasible and I might just get on some yo-yo effect where I go back to smoking and become even more addicted, but it's worth a shot I suppose.

I need to stop writing about this because now I want to step outside. Instead I'm going to pour a big mug of coffee and switch my stimulants.

Today is a work day.

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most definitely. ;)

i once dated this woman who was a total cheater - something she managed to do even in an open relationship! anyway, one time i found all of these nylons and scarves tied to her bed, but kind of hidden and i asked her what it was and she got really sketchy and said she didn't want to talk about it and so of course i assumed she was sleeping with someone else and not telling me and finally she told me - super embarrassed- that she tied herself up when she masturbated. and i just remember thinking she was a freak - not because she did that, but because that was sucha normal and fun thing to do but she was being so wierd about it.
i second your TM.
my brother went on the patch and it worked out really well for him.

I'm wearing a walgreens brand nicotine transdermal patch right now! I'm sooooo high! Maybe I should have started at step one, the lowest dose, but when I approached the counter I panicked and decided I was suddenly a super heavy smoker who needed major help and got step two, the middle dose.

dommeyourass is currently rocking Step 3, the highest dose. We'll have to start coordinating where we wear the patch. Maybe we can do a photo shoot.

That's strange about your ex! I think for me I sometimes feel weird about kinking out when it has nothing to do with masturbating. Like last night I was just burning my arms hairs for the pleasure of the burn and my pants weren't unbuckled or anything. Then again, this might still feel weird to me because I'm still relatively new to this whole being an out bdsm/kink person. I have internalized kinkphobia!!

well, here's a question. if it is kinky, then do you get a kind of rise from it even if you don't have your hands in your pants? and then isn't it still masturbation? and if it's not, then is it even more just the kind of normal wierd stuff that people do to their body when they are alone and have nothing to do with kink at all? or none of the above?

i think of these things too, which is why i felt the need to name it something different -- if it was just doing something kinky WHILE masturbating, i would probably just call it masturbating, or if i was feeling particularly indulgent and proud, i might say i was fucking my self (which seems more involved and active than just a quickie j/o session).

when i think about what i've now termed "kinking off", i'm mostly thinking of times when i'm exploring pain (like last night) or restraining/bondage, without actually touching myself. sometimes i do get a rise out of it, or actually usually i get some sort of turned-on reaction, it just might not be intense enough that i switch gears to masturbating. or maybe i just enjoy the mix of pain and feeling turned-on and that's enough. when the pain ends, after the initial rush, sometimes the feeling of being turned-on ends as well.

i had a discussion with

dommeyourass when she flogged me a few weeks ago -- the way i got turned on physically was different than during "vanilla sex" or even just making out. to get graphic for moment (i hope you don't mind -- i just personally find it fascinating!), i got reaaaalllly hard, but not wet at all. and after the scene, i could have had sex and would have been "in the mood", but we didn't, i was quite perfectly content to go to sleep after cuddling.

i think kinking out is certainly related to other weird stuff people do to their body when alone, like popping zits or pulling hangnails or other random stuff, but not exactly the same. though i'm not exactly sure how to articulate the difference. perhaps Kinking Off is when the ONLY purpose is pain or pushing boundaries, whereas picking at your body has these other purposes (albeit sometimes negative ones that slow the healing process)?

ah, yes, nicotine. i quit almost seven years ago, after having smoked 1-2 packs a day for seven years. so strange that it was so long ago... and strange that i can smoke a cigar or a cigarette every 5-9 months without a problem. amazing that i do still think of smoking or desire it after seven years, too. it is definitely a mood altering substance. i suppose that i am suspicious of the patch for people who want to quit, i don't trust it at all. i say just quit if you want to really quit, or cut down, or whatever... but then again, i realize i'm a very lucky person because i could just walk away when it was time.

I used to be able to "just quit" and go for weeks or months without it, then would pick it up casually again without smoking constantly.
But this time I kicked it up a notch and became "a smoker". And since I'm an anxiety/depression prone person, this was probably not a wise choice.

If it was just about the cravings, I think I could knick it. But we're talking about major mood swings here (on top of my moody Cancer self). This morning I felt completely despondent and miserable -- wanting to crawl into bed for days and not talk to ANYONE. And I mean anyone -- including the most beloved folks in my life. Which would of course make me more miserable, I'm sure.

Right now I'm not planning on using the patch every day and I'll probably switch to the lowest dose next time -- almost just more of an "as needed" basis, since the idea of constantly having nicotine in my system isn't terribly appealing to me either. I'll probably also get some more kava kava to supplement my quitting.

i hear the morning feelings. i'm feeling the same way right now. it was a huge feat of effort and determination to get out of bed this morning. i just want to put everything on the back burner and crawl into a hole and lick my wounds (and other parts) until i'm ready to reemerge. there seems to be a general malaise over the city right now, and those who are extra sensitive are being struck harder.

But if I had been a man in reality, than you'd still be here with me.

kinking offTM

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