Have you heard about the lonesome loser?

[raybear]

I was a little melodramatic earlier. It's hard for me to not panic that I'm spiralling into depression when it's really just a passing phase. I mean, I'm only two weeks since surgery, I just finished my last school packet and two freelance projects, I'm in a deficit for quality alone time -- I am tired and drained. Yeah, I wanted to stay at home in bed and read, because that comfortable and soothing. So what? There doesn't have to be a doom cloud over me.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this now that I've finished my day and I'm sitting at home with a cocktail. And finally getting off my a$$ to call grocerygetter.

I came out to the kids in my workshop tonight -- told them about chest surgery and actually said "I wasn't born male". They were floored and astounded. I mean, I thought I'd dropped enough 'hints', if by hints I mean saying "I'm a queer bisexual transman faggot". I knew they wouldn't necessarily know the word "transman", but thought it might start to sink in if I said it enough. No. They experienced shock and awe. lucyberliner14 was there to witness it, and even though the kids were totally fine, I was glad to have someone in the room to help deflect a little. We didn't get as much work done because we couldn't use the computers, but talking with them after being away for a couple weeks made up for it.

So I had therapy today and we talked about me deciding to stop going regularly. She was fine with that, as I knew she'd be -- I mean, if I really thought she'd say "um, that's NOT a good idea", I would know. I decided I would just call her up proactively to schedule times to either problem-solve specific conflict or just to regroup and refocus my goals. But I don't need to rely on seeing her on a regular basis. I think I'm going to channel some of the energy (and money) into a greater commitment at the temple, completing the meditation course and becoming a practicing member. It will serve a similar purpose in some ways, but also something completely different, a new chapter in this strange thing called my life.

Comments

good.

[louche.livejournal.com]

lucyberliner14 told me about that moment. it sounded absolutely beautiful. i'm so happy for you, ray. it's so big to be able to be fully yourself. and then to have such amazing reactions. brings tears to my eyes, really. you keep on, mister.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. Those packets are like the center of the universe. When my I call my family they like hold their breaths hoping that I won't mention the status of the packets. But if I do, my mom is like, "I was wondering when the packets were going to come up!"

I loved talking to you. It was great to hear your voice. *mwah*