Are you okaaay? Look like you got a lot to say

[raybear]

Ok, so was this an okay "blow-off" e-mail? It's 100% true, in case you're wondering. I really am super-busy this week. I guess I wanted to compose a note that says "I don't really want to go out with you again, but you're nice and I don't want to be an ass." For those wondering why I wasn't more direct (i.e. no, I'm sorry I'm not interested), she hasn't actually expressed interest in hanging out or going out, so I think it would presumptuous to say no to something that wasn't propositioned. And I think this note is much better than just "forgetting to return her call".


Hey El___,

Just got both your e-mail and your vmail this morning. Things have been pretty busy in my microcosm. Orca busy, as my buddy Damon would say. I've spent the past 2 weekends moving all of my earthly possessions by myself with a friend's wonderfully spacious old borrowed Volvo. I'm mostly done, though I still need to return to the old place this week and throw away a bunch of stuff, as well as clean. I'm also trying to meet up with two different people on 2 different nights to wish them farewell before leaving the fair city of Chicago. Plus, tonight I'm going to a friend's play. And the g.e. (girlfriend-equivalent) returns on Friday. So I'm pretty swamped for awhile, and then (luckily) I go on vacation on the 31st for almost 2 weeks. So my August isn't quite shaping up how I planned, though it's not necessarily bad by any means. E-mail's probably the only way I can be tracked down these days, and even that's sketchy because work is getting in the way of my life and all. They keep asking me to do things for 8 hours straight....
Anyway, I'm glad that you had a fun time at Michigan and hope it was restful. I'm sorry I have no idea when we might be able to hang out, though at some point soon I'll probably run into you in this small world we call the Chicago queer community.

Ray

Addendum: Well, this must have been TOO nice, because she wrote back this short e-mail saying "let me know if you need help/company while moving or if you have an unexpected free time and want to hang out". Then she asked where I was going on vacation. So now the question is, should I be slightly rude and "forget" to write her back? Or should I write back answer her question about my vacation? Is this a ploy to get me to respond to her e-mail? Why are grrrls so funny/weird?
I'm leaning towards not replying right now.

Comments

thought...

[clockwatcher.livejournal.com]

ray,

since now she's "proposed" something i might write back and say that you'd like to get together sometime but - not to presume anything but just to put it out there - you don't want to be physically involved with her. don't need explanations or anything, but just make it clear.

i'm all for directness in these sort of things, especially because you spent some time talking about it before you went into anything, you know?

jessie.

Re: thought...

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Part of the problem is that I don't even want to "just hang out" with her -- I mean, I had a nice time talking to her and all, but the primary goal of talking was to possibly engage in a physcial relationship. Now that I've decided I don't want that (and she is still possibly in the process of deciding?), I don't feel compelled to talk or get to know her in an extensive way -- like I want to go back to being friendly acquaintances, the way we were before we went out on a date.

My interactions with her really got soured when I ran into her at the street fair. I thought things were cool, friendly, and on a non-sexual & non-physical level, but then she started acting sort of physically clingy, and trying to kiss me on the street and stuff.

I really would prefer to be really direct, but I guess I feel like it would be hard for her to hear "I felt really uncomfortable whenever you touched me, so you could you not do that again? thanks." on top of "I don't have much time to hang out with you" and "I decided I DONT want to have sex with you." I sort of feel like what's the point? I don't need to spend time going out for coffee with someone I feel awkward around and I don't want her to feel obligated to see me after I've rejected her. So I think that's why I'm opting for a gentle "blow-off"...but NOT ignoring her either. I know how hard that is when someone just stops returning your phone calls.

I guess part of the awkwardness is I don't have anything to "fall back" on -- like saying "let's just be friends". Because I don't really want to be friends. Can I say "let's just be acquaintances"? That's pretty much what I want.

One more thing about this whole situation. I realized this weekend when talking about it with Damon, part of the problem is I feel I might have overstepped my own boundaries with her the night we went out -- like I may have exposed more than I initially wanted (and later felt comfortable with). This obviously isn't her fault or anything, but it's affecting my gut reactions (i.e. why I get weridly scared when I get a voicemail from her). And I don't think telling her this fact would make it better. In fact, I would probably feel worse. So. That's affecting my directness in the matter. I basically feel like hiding from her in general. Ugh. Not terribly ethical, I know. I did tell her back during the initial encounter that after Melanie returned, I would be off-limits, so to speak.

Perhaps instead of focusing on my not-liking-her, I can instead focus on my relationship situation. So I'll say "thanks for the offer. let me be honest, I enjoyed hanging out with you, but right now I'm in a place where I need to focus on my primary relationship, and I don't think I can hang out with you again."
how's that sound? (obviously I'd probably make it a little longer....)

hey there

[clockwatcher.livejournal.com]

all that definitely makes sense - i guess i was just opting for the "i would like to see you sometime but i'm not really interested in dating you" becuase in my opinion that's another way of saying "i don't want to see you anytime soon on purpose."

i guess also i am just kind of stupid when it comes to dating so if someone doesn't explicitly say "i'm not interested in seeing you" i just think them being busy means "i'm busy" or at the most "i'm not interested in seeing you seriously, but i still would like to kiss you if we see each other again." in other words, i've never really been one to fizzle out, i process everything too much.

in my experience casually dating an acquaintance doesn't really turn into a friendship after it's over... mostly because in getting to know someone, physical or not, you realize that you aren't really interested in hanging out with them... the physical part just makes you realize it faster. know what i mean? so if you were a casual acquaintance before you'd be one after.

and that's what i'm saying with regard to being direct as well - if you just tell her and get it over with, you don't have to avoid her phone calls becuase she won't be calling you. :-P i find i'm most uncomfortable in situations where, similiar to you, i thought i wanted something, and then i realized pretty quickly i didn't... it is definitely hard to tell folks that, i know.


i like your idea about writing her w/r to melanie.. i think that's a good answer and doesn't make her feel bad because she knows melanie was around before hand and would be at the end of the summer.

take care

jessie

Re: hey there

[raybear.livejournal.com]

yeah, I need to buck up and be honest. It's a lot easier than running across the street when I see the person approaching on the sidewalk. ha.

thanks a lot, Jessie. I really appreciate your input and insight. I think will go with the mentioning melanie route.

yeah...

[clockwatcher.livejournal.com]

i don't like running, it's hard on my knees. ;)