raybear | (no subject)

Sometimes I tell people things that I'm thinking/feeling because I want them to say "of course you feel that way! in fact, you should feel more of it!"
Other time I want them to just say "yeah, I've been there. good luck with the process."
And it's bad when you want one and get the other.

I have no idea why I even brought it up. I should have continued talking about the pieta and Tilda Swinton.

my life is currently an equation:

2(a+b) + cx + dyⁿ = z

-where a and b represent the variables of negotiating with awkward conversations with former intimates (i.e. the stress of dealing with El__ and K__) which is doubled because of their proximity.

-where x is the variable that represents exhaustion from moving and c represents anxiety that the move produces

-where y represents the anxiety of MelRo's return, and the variable n is a function of time where the value increases as the time between now and her arrival decreases. the value of d is just miscommunications of short awkward phone conversations. d is currently tripping me up. but looking at the big picture, I realize that it doesn't have to affect the sum, z, as significantly as my overreaction is making it.

I should also realize the sum, z, represents the clatter and rumble and explosions and stress currently in my head, so therefore any reaction or thought that my brain spits out is obviously being greatly affected by z and should not be considered true and correct representations.

(And I'm not ashamed that Howards End is one of my favorite movies. I don't care.)