well, she DID say something about cleaning the apartment tonight...

Cancer
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
If you're trying to focus on your own needs and concerns right now, your family may have some other expectations of you. And you might not be able to do everything just the way you'd like today. Don't be surprised if someone tries to get you to spend more time dealing with some things around the house right now.

and also:
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Week of October 11, 2001
In Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke urged an aspiring bard to change the way he imagined the Supreme Being. "Why don't you think of God as the one who is coming," Rilke said, "who has been approaching from all eternity, the one who will someday arrive, the ultimate fruit of a tree whose leaves we are? What keeps you from projecting his birth into coming ages, and living your life as a painful and lovely day in the history of a great pregnancy?" Given your current astrological mood, Cancerian, this is an evocative subject for your meditations. Not only are you on the verge of reinventing your relationship with the Divine Intelligence; you're also poised to discover rousing secrets about your unique part in the creation of the new world that's on its way.
______________________________

oh, and Damon's column just got posted last night, so NOW you should go HERE. That other column about Libra was not his. The one about Mercury in retrograde is. Everyone should also feel free to e-mail the webpage and tell them how much they loved the column, since there's a chance it will become a regular gig for him....

More about my regular, non-astrological life later.

And I can't confront the doubts I have, I can't admit that maybe the past was bad.

Not that anyone asked, but yes, I am looking rather dapper today. I pulled out my black khakis (i.e. twill pants), and I've paired them with a satiny green dress shirt and black sweater vest. Yes, I look good, thanks for asking. Not cute -- sexxxy. It's so easy to stand out though, when most days I wear jeans, work boots, and a black or grey t-shirt. During my lunch break I'm planning on heading to Syms and buying a new white dress shirt and possibly a new tie. Something of the grey or gray persuasion.

Despite my desperately clever tone, I'm only feeling so-so today. And though I'm tempted to write about stuff regarding my current physical state and whatnot, I feel weird about someone reading about it here first before it coming out of my own mouth. So maybe I'll just save it. Besides, I'll probably have more insight after talking it over with someone. The short version is I'm feeling weird about my body, though not in the usual "oh-god-i'm-trans" way, if that makes sense. It's more like....my body had gone through some change (temporary or permanent, I'm not sure) so it's reacting to things differently and stuff that worked before isn't working now....so....yeah.

Last night I didn't make it to the airport because I got out of work late which SUCKED because Stuey's plane actually got in early and apparantly there were no lines at security. That lying website. But at least I got to talk to her on the phone for awhile and hopefully kept her entertained during her layover and she was very helpful in offering support during the cooking process. (I make ziti with a gorgonzola cream sauce. Yum.)

Most of last night I spent practicing on the tables, even recording some of my fcking around, and creating a new version of "name that sample" involving familiar songs. Though I might re-record it with some sort of back beat, since the cutting can get a little....repetitive. Or annoying. Particularly to folks who might be living with me.

I'm also planning on having coffee tomorrow night with my friend Le___ who went away to Australia to join the circus and came back a dominatrix. Between that and my transition (gender, career, and otherwise), we'll probably have a lot to talk about.
Also, I saw my old co-worker Amy on the street today. Walked right passed her but didn't notice until the very last minute -- she didn't notice me at all. I was running late and she was probably on her way to work at the apartment place, so I decided I should just call her tonight. Weird thing is, I was thinking about calling her anyway. Haven't spoken to her in like 6 months or so. I also feel motivated to call Dan tonight. Funny how the feelings to connect with old friends comes in cycles or waves.

anniversaries

September 20th was the one-year mark for my livejournal -- the longest and most consistent journaling I've ever done.

October 24th will mark me taking testosterone for one year.

October 30th will mark the one-year anniversary of coming out to my family as trans.

October 15th will mark the 10-monthiversary of my relationship with Melanie

Tomorrow will be the one-year mark of me coming out as trans to the entire office.

October 23rd will be the 7 year mark of Lynn's death.

And tomorrow will be the one month mark since the "recent events".

Perception of time is a funny thing.

retail therapy

So on my lunch break I bought 2 dress shirts, one of them a clearance Calvin Klein. Now, I'm not label whore by any stretch of the imagination. But I am a fabric whore. And I hate that name brands use nicer stuff. Bastards! Always keeping the common man down. Unless the common man shops at TJ Maxx or other discount stores. So I'm happy to have an ultra-nice dress shirt. I also purchased 2 new ties. All were a bargain.

Then, to make things worse, I just partook of the Grand Royal fire sale and bought 4 records -- At the Drive-In, Russell Simmins, Sean Lennon, and Atari Teenage Riot. Again, more bargain shopping! Even with shipping it was just over 30 dollars. Still, it's more than I should have probably spent...

Can you tell I've been without funds for the past couple months? I can't help but spend money when it's available to me. Though I'm better than I was before. I'm still eating the lunch I brought from home, and staying thrifty in other ways. And I'm not bouncing any checks, which is always a good sign. Besides, music related purchases are an investment in my future career. Right. I'm seriously planning on doing itemized taxes next year. I'm saving every fcking receipt and writing off everything. Including my chest surgery, whenever that happens. Next thing you know, I'll have a money market account and savings and folks will say "what a responsible young man!" Well, probably not.

It's dark right now. And hot as hell in the office. Oh, DMX?

I think I'm going to have cereal for dinner.

blast from the past

here's a journal entry from March 19th of this year:
The weekend went by WAY too fast. I spent almost the entire time with Melanie, which is actually why time goes fast, I believe. On Friday, we went to dinner at Ringo, as a sort of recreation of the infamous first date. Almost 3 months to the day. The 3 months have gone super fast but I also feel like I've known her for a really long time. It's similar to my relationship with Damon -- he and I have been best friends for about a year now, but the actual relationship-forming process only took a month or two. Virtually instantaneous. And that's how my relationship with Melanie is. Which is cool, but sometimes scary. Sometimes I feel the need to step back, and have my single, alone life back so I can keep track of who I am and what I want. When I'm with Melanie, all I can really think about is her and how I feel. Not in a bad "i'm putting her above myself way", but more that the only parts of myself I'm thinking about are the ones that relate to her. And I don't want to lose other parts of myself. I'm not sure if this is making sense, or at least explaining how I'm feeling.
In no way do I want to end or change my relationship with Melanie. I want her to be a main part of my life, which is probably why I'm obsessed with thinking about future plans about living together and things like that. But I also want to continue to work on my own personal growth, and that includes small important things, like reading books, cleaning up my apartment, calling up old friends, making mixtapes, watching movies by myself, going on walks, and lots of other activities I did all the time before I was with her. But the issue is ALWAYs time. I have to negotiate my time in a much stricter way, but when I'm with Melanie, I tend to do the opposite. I don't mind sitting around in my pajamas all day with her. I don't mind talking on the phone with her for over an hour on the nights we're "spending apart". I'm sure part of this is that we're still in a honeymoon type phase, and I want to move into a reality phase before we get sick of the honeymoon phase and HAVE to stop seeing each other as much.

I'm not sure we're out of the honeymoon phase yet. Or at least I'm not completely out of the "sick of seeing her" phase.