"I'm coming home to Atlanta for the holidays!"

[raybear]

Dear Mom and Dad,
That's what you'd be reading right now, if you had bothered to write back to my e-mail.
Sincerely,
fcking Raymond.


Dear GCI,
nsync IS NOT FCKING R&B OR HIP HOP!!!!
Thank you.
faithful listener.


Dear Dr. Dre,
Why are you a faker? Suge Knight has helped me see the light. I'm going to sign with Death Row now.
Signed,
delusional white boy


Dear IT person at headquarters,
You are not Jimmy Fallon or any other variation of "your company's computer guy". Quit it.
Signed,
the real Jimmy Fallon


Dear Time (not the magazine),
Ok, I get it. You can quit fcking with me now.
Thanks,
Raymond

Comments

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

Dear Ray:

I love you! Please remember to brush your teeth. Things aren't the same without you around. Do you still have my red bathrobe? Is it possible you're my baby's daddy? My checkbook is unbalanced and I fell off the landing yesterday, but gave you the bruise instead. Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkly like David Brinkley? Raymond, how do I write a holy littany in this silly mood?

Wish you were queer,
Trixie.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Dear Shaneequa,

Carrier pigeons have flown away. STOP.
Trying this new fangled techonology called the telegraph. STOP.
California is only three days away by car. STOP.
But I don't have a car. STOP.
Leave a pie on the windowsill for me. STOP.
Toothbrush is in the mail. STOP.

Love, Pony Express.

STOP.

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

Take a memo, Trixie.

"Dear Pony Express. My eggs are broken and my mind is scrambled. In the shower this morning I dropped the soap but caught it before it hit the tile. Haven't you ever heard of hitchhiking? On a closer read of your original brief I discover you have slandered the name of my client, JuJuBees, who had expressed great joy at the prospect of actual cred. Please expect immediate legal action."

Trixie, are you wearing a red bra under that blouse?

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Take a letter, Miss Jones.

Dear Trixie,

Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding blankity-blank. We here at blank are very concerned about the situation and wish you the best of luck. However, due to blank blankity blank, we will not be able to help you at this time.

How many times must we tell you? Don't get caught in the shower.

Sincerely,
Victor Secret

P.S. Please forward future correspondence to my home address as I am LEAVING WORK RIGHT NOW!!!!

[ex-fish.livejournal.com]

I'd like to be sleeping with your girlfriend. She's supa fly.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

well then maybe your next trip should be to chicago again.....

[limenal.livejournal.com]

Is there ANYONE'S girlfriend you wouldn't like to be sleeping with? :) <------ gay

Re:

[ex-fish.livejournal.com]

Yes. I could make you a list, but it'd be rather cumbersome.. would you like a few examples?

I want nothing to do with George W's girlfriend, I'm not interested in any of my brother's girls, and I'm not currently after the girlfriends of any of my nuclear family, nor my extended family with the exception of my step third cousin for the brief period of time that he was dating Brett, who is very cute and also one of my best friends. I'm also not interested in Riley's girlfriend, Maria's girlfriend, Jamie's girlfriend (who is Maria) or Sarah's girlfriend, Dani...

As a general rule, I'm not interested in anyone who I could have, and I'm definitely not interested in the partners of the people I work with nor any of my professors...

Does that answer your question?

[limenal.livejournal.com]

yes, yes it does. thank you.

Re:

[ex-fish.livejournal.com]

Why don't you have aim? I'm much funnier in real time.

[brucebanner.livejournal.com]

ooher, but *I* on the other hand, am interested in ALL those girlfriends, and then some. As a fair trade off, you can have my extended family's/family's/coworkers'/siblings'/bestfriends' girlfriends. It's like wife swapping, only much more stalker like.

a stalker is just a friend you haven't met yet,
Joe

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

dear ray.

i wish i had something witty to say, but i don't.

<3
v

[nineinchlovely.livejournal.com]

Dear Ray (aka Mr. McFeeley),

I have no wit. Tis quite the pits to be a witless twit.
Please advise.

Sir Riley of the Chicago Beans



P.S. I think my prof thinks we're related. I told him your name just in case he saw you wanderin' around all lost with my speeedy delivery package.